Finding...

Jaded..?
Because I doubt this.
I don't believe in soulmates any more.
I don't believe in a twin flame.
I don't believe in "finding" a mate.

I'm so damned afraid to ever hear "I love you" from a man again...
In anything other than friendship.
It could be lies, all lies.
It could hide such deceit.
It could destroy the fragile ability to trust that I'm working so hard to grow.
If I let it close, if I dare let down the drawbridge even the slightest bit...

It "could..."

Will it?

I can't possibly know that. Or predict it.

Funny, because I still do believe in love.
Even after having my trust completely obliterated...

So, I won't look.
I'll grow and tend friendships like my favorite raspberries in the garden... :-)
With care.

I'll be quiet, and watch.
And wait.
And work on becoming a better version of myself.
And learn to love others better.
And learn to let God work in me deeper.
And learn to laugh, and smile, and dream again.
And learn to give...

And one day...

Just maybe...

Hearing "I love you" will sound like home is calling.

Fear will vanish.

And I'll walk through that warm, welcoming door.

And my soul will be found.

All we are..

At once we seem so simple.

A body.

Look deeper.

A soul.

Look even deeper.

Our mind, will, and emotions are wrapped up in between the cells.

Wrapped in the light, the glue of the universe.

A spirit.

Oh, it's getting complicated now.

Where is the personality lodged?

From what soil did it come forth and in what it has put strong roots?

Thoughts?

Ahhh... they have temporarily erected thrones in shifting foundations.

Springing up, then toppled, then built again.

Where can one find the heart's residence?

Do I go by feeling to note its location? 

Because at times it's low in my belly, solid and grounded. Calm and peaceful.

At other times it rockets through my chest like a locomotive, threatening to burst its bounds.

And then, there it is clutching my throat with a vise-like grip, holding back words... or sobs.

Even there, from behind my eyes. Burning, melting, leaking... or blank.

Memories are housed in my head, right?

A shovel should dig them right up and out.

Ah, but no.

They twist and turn, some from shadowed corridors, some from breathtakingly lighted glass jars.

I can smell the cedar fire, taste the gingerbread, feel the softly falling rain, and hear the words whispered.

Perhaps they are only suspended above my head.  

I cannot reel them in and sort them out.

It makes me doubt their veracity.

Ah, but then I look even deeper still.

Faith.

Where does it live?

Trust.

Honor.

Truth.

Where does character have its birth?

Doubt.

How to cut out that which is diseased?

How to prune the unruly branches in me?

How to determine what is worthy to remain?

Oh, and I forgot about something.

Longing.

Is there a room for this, as well?

It aches and reaches, groans and pines.

Stark white walls with no decoration.

Unfilled.

Small on the outside, but cavernous within.

Its questions tumble on and on, asking, without answer, a riotous flood.

Simple?

One has to be simpleminded to think so.

More intricate and complicated than I can comprehend.

Yet, it is all we are.

Birthday

So very different...
This year, than last.
I'm standing alone, facing the year ahead.
Before, I had what I thought was a strong hand in mine as we walked into the future...
Together.

No more together.
Alone.

Funny how much difference a year makes.
My children's arms are linked with mine, but my hand is empty.
No strong hand grasping mine.
Yet, it is open. 
It is strong.

I have such wonderful memories...
Built on sand.
But they were wonderful.

The pain is birthing the new.

Birth ... day

How to Reconcile?

How to reconcile?
What I feel
with what I want
What I should say
with what I will say
Who I was, who I imagine I am, who I wish to be
with what others experience of me, what is said of me, or perceived...
My want to defend and offend and lash out
with the person I want to be who walks a higher road
The strength I have
with the wanting to be vulnerable
The wish to be loved
with the fear to open to that love
The wish to love
with the fear of rejection
The desire to take risks and step out
with the perceived stability of the status quo
What I know and have learned
with the vast amount of which I am in ignorance
People who said they loved me, were "here" for me... who cared
with the fact that they lied, betrayed, disappeared, and who really don't give a shit...

Shatter the Glass

Glass can be a wall.
It can separate and divide.
It can keep one in, and the world out.
The air inside can be stifling.
The environment inside can be artificial.
Unreal.

Through glass, one can see out.
Others may be allowed to see in.
However, glass can alter an image.
If the glass is warped, the image is not true.
If the glass is dirty, the truth is muddied.
If the glass is fogged up, the truth is blurred.
If the glass is tinted, the truth is shadowed.
Glass can magnify sunlight and engulf the subject of its focus in flame.

Find beauty in brokenness.
Let go of fear and find your life!
Let the fresh air in.
And the stale air out.
Let the light shine in.
and your light shine out.

Shatter the glass.

Just Be

Being quiet.

Being open.

Being aware.

Being receptive.

Being expressive.

Being true.

Being vulnerable.

Being trusting.

Being raw.

Being respectful.

Being passionate.

Being fun.

Being resilient.
Being flawed.

Being confident.

Being kind.

Being present.

Being now.

Being alone.

Being whole.

Being healed.

Being happy.

Being alive.

Being still.

Being appreciative.

Being.

Selfie

Selfie

Focus

It's all about the Source, focusing on beautiful faith

The assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen

Promises of life, and life more abundant

Love, joy, peace

Laughter

Cheerful countenance reflecting a merry heart

Good medicine

Hope

Health

New songs in a fresh heart

Open

Receptive

Looking up

Smiling

Live Whole

“Do not love half lovers

Do not entertain half friends

Do not indulge in works of the half talented

Do not live half a life

and do not die a half death

If you choose silence, then be silent

When you speak, do so until you are finished

Do not silence yourself to say something

And do not speak to be silent

If you accept, then express it bluntly

Do not mask it

If you refuse then be clear about it

for an ambiguous refusal is but a weak acceptance

Do not accept half a solution

Do not believe half truths

Do not dream half a dream

Do not fantasize about half hopes

Half a drink will not quench your thirst

Half a meal will not satiate your hunger

Half the way will get you no where

Half an idea will bear you no results

Your other half is not the one you love

It is you in another time yet in the same space

It is you when you are not

Half a life is a life you didn't live,

A word you have not said

A smile you postponed

A love you have not had

A friendship you did not know

To reach and not arrive

Work and not work

Attend only to be absent

What makes you a stranger to them closest to you

and they strangers to you

The half is a mere moment of inability

but you are able for you are not half a being

You are a whole that exists to live a life

not half a life”

― Kahlil Gibran

Hope Floats

Embracing the now, excited for then...

Letting go of what was.

Just me.

Here.

Avoidance - No

I am sure you've heard the saying "Wherever you go, there you are."  This is even more applicable to that from which one attempts to run.  Attempting to avoid the truth? It will find you.  A person can attempt to run, avoid, dodge, or side-step... but those issues will meet you wherever you go.  Lessons unlearned will circle back around, time and again, until one gives in and learns what is begging to be taught. 

Many long for a "fresh start," and it is understandable.  However, if that fresh start includes leaving bad habits undealt with, or unpleasant consequences for personal actions or decisions, or the reaping of what one has sown...?  They will not remain unsatisfied, and will meet you wherever you "start fresh."

Trying to jump past the pain of a breakup? to avoid the healing process and stages of grief, and jump right to "healed?"  Nope.  It must be experienced.  As Robert Frost states above, "The only way out is through."  Denial?  No. Hiding? No. Avoidance? No.  It must be gone through.  The process depends on attitude, approach, and whether one embraces the pain of change.

Going through it sucks.  No doubt about it.
But the only way out is through.

The question really is... what character will you gain on the other side?

Learning...

No longer what I was before,
but not all that I will be.
Here.
In the now.
Standing on the past.
Reaching for the future.
But fully present.
Here.

Change is hard.
First comes the choice.
Ownership.
No fingers pointing.
No blameshifting.
No excuse-making.
Accountable for MY choices.
Not those of others.
Owning MY reactions.

Self-awareness is a choice.
Holding one's conscience softly.
Listening.
Seeing, truly seeing.
Open to truth, no matter how painful.
Sometimes the dam has to break violently in order to release what's been trapped behind walls.
All the ugly, the bruised, the perverse...
Then comes the rebuilding.
Comes peace.
Comes healing.
Realization.
Growth.

Before myself, I stand or fall.
Before my God, I stumble humble and rise.

Ever.
Learning.

Thirty Seconds To Mars - A Beautiful Lie

Time - Meh

Where is your heart?

The Heart

Who can fully know it?
It is deceitful above all else.
It needs guarding, because from it flow the springs of life.
It can trust and believe when it seems hope is gone.
The heart can be dirty, wicked, impure.
It can be weak, and fails.
It can worry and fear.
It wants and desires, and can lead you to love, or lead you astray.
It needs evaluating and examining.
It can break, and be crushed.
It can be pure.
Hearts can be hardened from truth, from love, from good.
It can be cleansed.
It meditates and ponders.

Where your treasure is... there will your heart be also.

Yet it is full...

Studying with laptop balanced on one thigh, reading glasses perched askew on my nose, and I realize my youngest has not attempted to distract me in several minutes.  Stopping and listening carefully, I hear my oldest girl reading in very animated tones to the Hurricane.  A pause. A question. An answer.  Giggles. Laughter.  I can imagine their heads leaning together, poring over one of Grandma Kay’s books, reading the inscription and the date.  Yes, I am studying, but my heart is smiling as broadly as my mouth.

It’s a simple life. Maybe boring to some.  Yet it is full. 

Work. Chores. Son made a plain yummy supper and all four of us visited and laughed at memories of reading “Little House on the Prairie” years ago when we first moved to Jennis Bay. Tidy up. A quick walk and toy retrieval from the park, then back home to study while Hurricane plays and Charlie finishes her own homework.

Funny how the house seems smaller without 11 Majors in residence. There is a smaller family within, and only one cat, one hamster.  Yet it is full.

Watching “The Secret of Roan Inish,” thinking of St. Patrick’s Day approaching. My grandmother, Irene, was born 116 years ago. Irene Waller. She was quite a woman.  Charlie asked if we might save up and go to Ireland.  Yes. It is within the realm of the possible. Oh, the sound of the pipes, the fiddle, the mournful wail of the whistle, and the beauty of that land and its people in the country, in the West.  A simple life. Maybe boring to some.  Yet it is full. 

Well… back to studying. 18 months goes fast enough. Wait! 16 months now 

Mellow

Sweetness... 

Mellow music by which one can write stunningly intelligent replies to fellow classmates' Discussion posts in my Master's of Psychology program... lol...

Ray Lamontagne

James Morisson

Chris Stapleton

Olly Mars

Amos Lee

Mmmmmm... music soothes the savage student, and lubricates my mind when it is rusty with corrosive thoughts.  Writer's block - arghhhhh!

Thank you, God, for music by which to write.

It will find you...

The love and truth you give will come back to you.
The smiles, the selfless gestures will be returned in abundance.
You’ve got to give good, to get good.
Sow the truth, and you will reap peace.

Plant a garden of lies, deceit, and betrayal, and you will gather a harvest of hurt and pain.
Can you escape the consequences of dark deeds?
Can you hide away from the destruction you think is left in your wake?
No.
What is done in the dark WILL be brought out into the light.
It will find you.

Can you run from yourself?
Can you run from the truth?
Can you fight the inevitable?
No.
Why do you kick against the pricks?
It will find you.

Where can you run from the love of God?
Where can you hide from His Spirit?
If you fly to the heavens He is there.
If you make your bed in hell, He is there.
Even if the Shadow covers you, He will light the darkness about you.
The Shadow cannot hide anything from Him, as the dark and light are alike to Him.
The truth.
His love.
It will find you.
He will find you.

It’s just a matter of time.
When will you stop running?

And when good pure warm and real Love finds you, you’ll wonder why on earth you ever ran… :-)

*******

There is a rather recent movie available to rent called “It Follows.”  It is a campy, creepy, 80’s style horror flick, yet it has a fascinating premise.  Instead of a Sexually Transmitted Disease, it is Sexually Transmitted Death, whereby Death is a stalker transmitted from one person to another.  Once it is received, Death stalks that person slowly and steadily, in the form of one they know, or in the form of stranger, until Death catches up and kills them.  It can only be avoided by running away faster, and to keep moving, as “It Follows” and “it will find you.”  You cannot run forever from it, as you will grow weary and it will catch up.  Just like one’s sins, one’s lifestyle, one’s actions… they will catch up with you eventually.  You will have to pay the piper eventually.  And the only way to (temporarily) get rid of Death is to pass it only to someone else by having sex with them.  Then Death will follow that person until he/she either dies (then it returns to follow you), or until that person passes it on sexually to another.  A very interesting premise, eh?  And a very good visual of how we try to avoid the consequences of our negative behavior, even “passing it on” to others (as blame, maybe?).  But it always comes back to us.  It always finds us.

By what do you want to be found?

Love?

Or Death?

Choose...

Fall

Her final season began.

Brutal arctic winds buffeted her, until she bent and was bruised under heavy snow.

Bewildering thaws breathed a lie of Spring’s arrival and gave her false hope.

Her weary arms lifted, then extended in anticipation towards the warmth of the sun’s rays, longing to touch... to be felt.

But Winter’s blast returned in earnest and bit at her cheeks and fingers once more.

Arms fell. Eyes downcast. Head bowed low.

Knives of ice pierced through to the tender heart beneath.

There, under that cruel hand, she relinquished her weak hold.

And let go.

*****

It is said that unless a seed falls to the ground and dies, it will be just one, alone. And it will end alone.

However, if that seed had fallen to the ground and died, it would have produced a bountiful harvest.

Why, then, cling with such tenacity to what will leave you alone?

Why?

This...

I don’t have to guess...
Or doubt.

I just know.

Integrity

"Each human being has an integrity that can be hurt only by the act of that same human being and not by the act of another human being."

- Friends' Proverb

A flag of surrender?
Yes.
To give up placing blame on others for one's own actions, choices, and one's own character... and to take responsibility for one's self.

Another person may injure us physically, yes.
But another person cannot injure one's integrity.

What exactly is meant by a person's integrity?

It can be defined as "the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness."  Integrity also has many synonyms, such as honor, good character, principle, ethics, morals, virtue.  However, Merriam-Webster offers the best of definitions, in my opinion: "a firm adherence to a code of especially moral values: incorruptibility," and "of an unimpaired condition: soundness," or the quality or state of being completed or undivided.

Many people appear to have never given any thought to their personal code of values.  They have generally been schooled for twelve years, trained for a certain type of work, and learned by the examples of their parents, the media, and their peers.  They may train their bodies with physical exercise, and groom themselves well to present their best appearance. Yet, how many have given thought to the development of their character, or to the soundness of their being.

How many people do not even understand that they possess personal integrity and, in a self-determined fashion, they have control over it?  Having personal control means being accountable for what they choose to do, as well as how they respond.

Without such an understanding, the Friends' Proverb above appears to make little sense.  "Surely, if a guy just hits you over the head with a bat it is going to hurt!"  Obviously.  It would hurt terribly in the physical sense.  However, the personal integrity of the one doing the act of violence would be damaged.  That person has chosen to corrupt their own character, while the physically injured party's integrity remains intact.

A person is not just a body; a person possesses more than a mind that thinks and a heart that feels. A person has a conscience, a soul, a spirit.  Doctors tend to treat the body, psychiatrists tend to treat the mind; and various counselors tend to instruct the heart.  Which specialist deals with one's integrity?

I would like to challenge myself, as well as anyone who stumbles upon this obscure blog.  The challenge is to take more than a few moments to write a description of your own integrity, its characteristics, its strengths. Then, write a description of what you see as the integrity you wish to aspire to.   Compare the two descriptions.  In what areas are you happy with your level of integrity. In what areas do you need to improve, or want to improve.  Define the areas of weakness and develop a plan to grow and mature. 

No one is a static being.  We all change.  Much of that change is self-determined.  It's been said that "failing to plan is planning to fail."  Focus on one virtue at a time, if that is how you best reach your goals.  Meditate on the Book of Proverbs, one chapter per day, if you find it helpful.  (I do!) 

Ask yourself:  what kind of person do you wish to be?  Define the integrity you wish to possess... then change.

You can do it.

If you want to.

Do you?

Better Man

Love the raw and honest quality of this man's music... this song.  Had to share.

Is there a companion song "Better Woman?"

It seems I hear so many many poignant songs from men, for the one they love, while not hearing any female songwriters wanting to be better for their man, or how their man makes them feel protected, secure, and cherished, and they want to give him their all... Where are these raw, honest, and vulnerable songs of devotion and fidelity from ladies?

One day I shall write one...

Hanging by a Thread

(NOTE:  The song I wanted to post actually has the following lyrics (altered by Nickel Creek).

The original intent was about the strength and fullness of life that Jesus gives,

contrasted with how one can hang by a thread without Him.)

Hanging by a Thread

There's a kind of emptiness that can fill you

There's a kind of hunger that can eat you up

There's a cold and darker side of the moonlight

And there's a lonely side of love

With you here. Jesus, I am strong; no sign of weakness

With you gone, Jesus, I am hanging by a thread

There's a certain kind of pain that can numb you

There's a type of freedom that can tie you down

Sometimes the unexplained can define you

And sometimes, silence is the only sound

With you here, Jesus, I am strong; no sign of weakness

With you gone. Jesus, I am hanging by a thread

************  ************

Several years ago, I told someone there was something beautiful, something pure, something clean and real, waiting for him. And, if/when he found it, he should grab hold of it and never let it go.

Oh, but kicking against the pricks can feel strong and powerful, rebellious and bold, sexy, fun and passionate… wild, wicked and intriguing…
And so free.
Invincible!
It can taste so sweet.

It is full. of. you.

But what do you feel in the quiet? In the darkness?
When the world stops and the times are idle...
When “friends” leave, the laughter fades, and your whisper echoes in an empty room.

And you are left alone with your soul.

When the aftermath of tangled sheets and dirty needles greets you, and the curtains close on actions that could not bear the sunshine…

It is beautiful?
Is it clean?
You may not give a damn if it is.
That taste in your mouth… is it still sweet?
Is the hollow in your heart full?
Do you still feel strong?

Are you happy?
Do you love?
And are you loved?

Or is there shame?

Are you holding the life you longed for?
Or holding a lie?

Are you hanging tough?
Or hanging by a thread?

There is something beautiful. Pure. Clean.

He's real.

Lovers in the Snow

Lovers in the Snow

Kiss these lips

With questions still lingering in my mouth

Tasting indecision and longing

Warmth of home

Delicate finger touch of snow

Tentative tongues

Giddily silent swirl

Time ceases

All while ice and heat merge

Again? Why that Choice?

I’ve said and thought things of which I am ashamed.  There is so much I do not understand, and never will; my thoughts are tempted to descend once more.  It is happening again.  Different, yes, but ever the same.

In the past, I stood and watched someone I loved and committed to choose to walk away from me, from our child, from our life, from precious dreams and hopes.  He rejected us, turned, and walked into darkness. With a needle in his arm, a whore at his elbow, and carnage all around, he walked into Shadow.  

Through it, I felt the temptation to rage, to retaliate with stabbing words, to wound the one who wounded me beyond their imaginings, as well as the temptation to beg and plead.  But to what purpose?  It would not have demonstrated the character of Christ, the character I longed to shine forth.  In his own pain, that man descended to the pit, willingly, while I watched him self-destruct, helpless beyond my hands.  I let him know I stood, heart open to believe and encourage... He didn't want it.

Faced with a choice:   (my own opinion of the circumstances, which is obviously biased)

This?	or This?
An imperfect woman who seeks Truth, loves, encourages, respects, honors, treasures, creates a home, cooks, prays, and gives.	A whorish woman (or women?) who cheats, lies, steals, argues, deceives, dishonors, disrespects, belittles, and takes.
A home that is one's own, full of warmth, love, music, joy, peace, and family (even children).	No place to call home, another’s walls, another's possessions, empty of family, barren, cold.
Health, life, adventure, security, beauty, agreement, honesty, making love, fun, laughter, giving, and acceptance. Partnership and trust. Building. Deposits. In the Light. Clean and pure.	Disease, sex, derision, stained, insecurity, temporary and ultimately unsatisfying pleasure, rejection, use, and Shadow.  Strife and doubt. Tearing down. Withdrawals. In the Darkness. Filthy and corrupt.
A faithful and caring hand in one's hand.	A life-stealing needle in one's arm.
Growth and wisdom and knowledge and excitement!	Regression and foolishness and ignorance and fake promises.
Faith and hope and healing.	Fear and death and hurt.
Living out years surrounded by love.	Reaching the end of days, alone.
Real.	False.
Justified.	Blamed.

Proverbs 9 shows the contrast well.  The clamorous woman enticed the foolish man:  “stolen waters are sweet and bread eaten in secret is pleasant, but he knoweth not that the dead are there, and that her guests are in the depths of hell.”  While wisdom called out for the man to choose her, to choose abundant life.

I do not understand.  I want to shake him. I want to rage and quake "Wake up!! See the truth!!  Choose good!!!”  And I do not mean the choice of "me."  I mean choosing one's self, choosing life and good for one's self... This is not about me, even though I had/have been a factor in the past and present case.

Where did the man go who prayed for salvation, who opened his heart to the Truth and began to absorb so many beautiful words of God to his hungry soul?  Where is the man who wanted to make his life right, to walk forward with his blue eyes focused on the prize of the upward calling in Christ?  Where is the man who wanted to restore his relationship with a beloved brother?  Where is the man who asked me to forgive him?  Is there there?  He can still choose the Good.  The Light.  While there is breath, there is hope.  While there is one second of time, there is opportunity to choose. God's hand is not so short that it cannot reach.  Love can still find him... he cannot run from it; it can find him no matter where the hurt hides.  Healing can find him in the dark; it can meet him where his is.  Choose Life.

Stand. Trip. Fail. Fall... and Get UP.  You can do it!  You experienced a beautiful taste of freedom... Please, please, do not disappear into the Shadow. Stay in the Light!

I want to scream it out... 

Would he listen?  

Let it

It’s all I can do tonight

When the dark clouds come your way.

When your demons can't be tamed

When your last straws bout to break

When you feel your heart can't take anymore

When your second chance is gone

When you're barely hanging on

When you're tired of being strong

And you don't know where to run anymore

I wanna take away the hurt

But i just don't have the words

Let me hold you

Let me hold you tight

Let me hold you

Just let me hold you tonight

When a shadow's always there

When you can't come up for air

When tomorrow seems to lead nowhere

And there's no answer to your prayer anymore

I wanna take away the hurt

But I just don't have the words

Let me hold you

Let me hold you tight

Let me hold you

Just let me hold you tonight

Let me hold you

Let me hold you tight

Let me hold you

It's all that I can do tonight