Groveling

In the past three days I have received phone calls and texts from close friends who are in very painful circumstances. These are some of the most capable, compassionate, intelligent, and cultured friends in my circle.  Having been through my share of challenges, and remembering their often hard-to-swallow exhortations ("Don't be a marshmallow, Allyson!" "Grow a spine!" "Have some self-respect!" and "You do not need to beg for crumbs, honey!"), it is somewhat strange to echo their words back to them.

One's spouse has cheated on her (with his ex-wife!) throughout their marriage, squandered her money, and flaunted his indiscretions among their community.  This man wants his cake and kibbles, too, and knows she would never initiate a separation or divorce.  My friend wants so badly to believe he will change, end his affair, and become the unicorn husband she thought she married.  Hopium is addictive, I know...

Another has enabled and given to her drug addicted sociopathic narcissist daughter til it hurts, only to have her love trampled upon, her generosity abused, items pilfered from her house, and attempts by her daughter to frame her with the law.  My friend wants a relationship with her daughter so badly, and admitted to begging, crying, and pleading with her daughter to let her "try to make amends, to make things right, and that she is so very sorry." (My friend's only "sin" was to finally set a boundary in her own home.)

We are wired for relationship.  It is intrinsic to our nature.  Wanting to love and be loved in return is part and parcel of the human condition.  Be it husband and wife, father to child, child to mother, siblings for each other, or friend to friend... relationships are where we find acceptance, sharpen each other, and (hopefully) experience meaningful bonds that see us through all the joys and sorrows of life.

This strong desire for relationship can often mask the reality of the other person's character.  There can be imbalances and unequally yoked bonds that are disregarded when smoking the hopium pipe.  If only one party has integrity, it is not absorbed and acquired through osmosis by the other party.  You cannot give character to someone, nor can you transmit integrity to another person who does not share your values.   To see my beautiful friends lower themselves to begging for crumbs from people who only betray and shame them, well, it is a travesty.  I want to shake them and say "Stop it! You are worth more than that!"  They are groveling in front of pigs.  Yes, that husband and that daughter are human beings with souls and, while there is breath, there is always hope. But they have revealed their character, clearly, and my friends need to guard their own hearts with some self-respecting boundaries.  They do not need to beg!  Their hearts, their love, their relationship - these are pearls!